Saturday, March 13, 2010

Who Am I?

I found myself wondering this lately.

As we waited anxiously for daughter's marks, I realized that my whole sense of who "I was" was a complete unknown to me. I am a mom. Always wanted to be one. Quit work to spend time with daughter when she was 14 as I figured that is the age they start making decisions that can change their whole life. Now, here we are, actually waiting to see if daughter passed all her classes. She didn't. I can't remember even the idea of failing ever even passed through my head when I was her age. And yet here is my daughter failing her chem class. Her other marks so low that she is virtually assured to have her conditional acceptance into University revoked. My sense of being a failure is all consuming. Of course, intellectually I know this isn't my failure at all. I got her to school, spent literally thousands of $$ on tutors, nagged, argued, explained that school is essential for a decent chance at a good life. But I wonder - at what point did I fail her when she failed to acquire the common sense that tells you that a high school diploma is the below the bare minimum of what you need to get places in life?

ARGH!!!! Of course, when you're co-parenting this kind of stress means stress on the marriage. Almost every conversation, every thought, every bad dream is about daughter. And where we went wrong. And how we will move forward. And with both of us coming from such different families, we hardly ever agree.

So, where are we now? I have finally accepted that it is ok for daughter to upgrade, take the time to mature a bit so that when she does go to Uni she will be prepared to study hard. Husband has finally stopped being angry. Daughter continues to live oblivious to the fact that we spend so much time fretting - she is just going about her business.... hanging with friends, working occasionally, and facebooking.

In the mean time I have decided that I need to get on with my life. Find some focus that isn't daughter. It isn't healthy for either of us. To that end, I am now working more. The company I had hoped to get back on with full time has been.... slow in retaining my services and so my contract work with them will finish the first week of April. All is not lost though. In the mean time, I have one week a month at the oil company, which I really like, and an old boss tracked me down to offer me contract work for the rest of the month. In March it will workout that I will have worked every day, just for 3 companies! This newest job, which I only started this week, seems like it will be really nice. I really like the fellow that I'm working for and my direct manager seems quite nice. Anyhow, there is a possibility that it will only be 3 days a week, which would be quite nice. Kinda the best of both worlds.

Since I'm working so much, I needed new work clothes. I went on a total spree. I bought new pants, a ton of tops and even new skirts. Almost all of it from Banana Repulic. And it all looks quite nice, if I do say so myself! I also bought new pumps. I look and feel like a million bucks! Normally I would put off buying new clothes, thinking I will do it when I've lost weight. But I'm living in the moment.

Of course, with all this stress I slipped into my old coping mechanisms. Every time I felt panic set in.... I ate that feeling away. Sheesh. The good news is that I've kept up with my running. Yay me.

I've also decided that, now that we have extra $$ coming in, I'm getting a personal trainer again. I start a week today. I'm quite excited about the girl I managed to get - I think she will suit me perfectly.

It was also my birthday this week. I turned 44. It was a nice birthday. We went for a lovely birthday dinner to Caesar's and it was SO good. I also got the absolute best birthday gift ever. I cried when I opened my card. Two two-day passes to the Sci-Fi convention coming to Calgary to the Round Up center in April where I will be getting my photo taken with Leonard Nimoy!!!! This is a childhood dream come true. I can hardly stand waiting.

Well, this is a huge post. If anyone is still reading - have a healthy day!!


  1. Happy Birthday!

    You are such a good mom, you didn't do anything wrong. All kids go through a bad school phase - mine was 1st year university where I failed a class and got a D in another. She'll mature through this.

    Post some pics of all the new clothes!

  2. Hey gal! I feel you on the grades thing. It was touch-and-go there for a while with my son. However, sometimes you have to let them fail so they can learn from their own mistakes. I had to repeat the entire second semester of my sophomore year. This was not a reflection on my mom. It was a reflection on my own laziness!

    Great news about the new wardrobe. That had to feel fantastic! I want pictures!!!

  3. Great to see a post from you. Wow on the daughter front. That story scares me to death! I can't help but think that kids today are growing up in such a different world than I did and I'm 37 almost 38.

    Very interesting that you started staying home when your daughter was 14. I totally agree with you on that one. That is the prime time for getting into trouble and needing guidance.

    Sci Fi conference? Sweet! :)

  4. I have no advice or commentary on the daughter. I have no children, and never did that myself.

    Happy Birthday, and congrats on the awesome gift! I think I might be a little jealous...

  5. Anonymous9:04 PM

    I'm really sorry to hear that your daughter failed her chem class and hasn't been taking school seriously. I'm sure that's hard for you and your husband. It's probably hard not to feel like it's a reflection on you even though a 17 or 18 year old is really her own person. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong - you probably did all the right things and it just didn't "take" yet. I know a very bright and kind woman whose teenage kid got arrested and sent to federal prison, so it could always be worse.

    Hopefully your daughter can take the year to work or teach yoga or what-have-you and grow up a little, and pass whatever she needs to pass to get her diploma or equivalency. Taking some time off between high school and college might not be such a bad thing, especially if she is being productive and working.

    And as for you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FATINAH! You are certainly more than just a mom. You are a friend, belly dancer, blogger, worker bee, and sci-fi fan with a great sense of humor. And now it sounds like you have the wardrobe to boot!

  6. Who are you? (Among other things)...You are a lovely person who is a friend to many in the blogging world...especially me!

    Sorry about your daughter, but she will no doubt figure out what she wants to do with her life. Some day she will also figure out that her mom and dad are not the stupidest people in the world! :)

    I loved Star Trek as a kid; my favorite character was Scotty. James Doohan used to live not too far from where I live...I actually saw him in the Honey Baked Ham store a few years ago. He was a lovely man, and actually chatted with me for a short time. I was so sorry when he passed away in 2005.

    Anyway, sorry I missed your b-day. Happy Birthday, dear friend.