Who Am I?

I found myself wondering this lately.

As we waited anxiously for daughter's marks, I realized that my whole sense of who "I was" was a complete unknown to me. I am a mom. Always wanted to be one. Quit work to spend time with daughter when she was 14 as I figured that is the age they start making decisions that can change their whole life. Now, here we are, actually waiting to see if daughter passed all her classes. She didn't. I can't remember even the idea of failing ever even passed through my head when I was her age. And yet here is my daughter failing her chem class. Her other marks so low that she is virtually assured to have her conditional acceptance into University revoked. My sense of being a failure is all consuming. Of course, intellectually I know this isn't my failure at all. I got her to school, spent literally thousands of $$ on tutors, nagged, argued, explained that school is essential for a decent chance at a good life. But I wonder - at what point did I fail her when she failed to acquire the common sense that tells you that a high school diploma is the below the bare minimum of what you need to get places in life?

ARGH!!!! Of course, when you're co-parenting this kind of stress means stress on the marriage. Almost every conversation, every thought, every bad dream is about daughter. And where we went wrong. And how we will move forward. And with both of us coming from such different families, we hardly ever agree.

So, where are we now? I have finally accepted that it is ok for daughter to upgrade, take the time to mature a bit so that when she does go to Uni she will be prepared to study hard. Husband has finally stopped being angry. Daughter continues to live oblivious to the fact that we spend so much time fretting - she is just going about her business.... hanging with friends, working occasionally, and facebooking.

In the mean time I have decided that I need to get on with my life. Find some focus that isn't daughter. It isn't healthy for either of us. To that end, I am now working more. The company I had hoped to get back on with full time has been.... slow in retaining my services and so my contract work with them will finish the first week of April. All is not lost though. In the mean time, I have one week a month at the oil company, which I really like, and an old boss tracked me down to offer me contract work for the rest of the month. In March it will workout that I will have worked every day, just for 3 companies! This newest job, which I only started this week, seems like it will be really nice. I really like the fellow that I'm working for and my direct manager seems quite nice. Anyhow, there is a possibility that it will only be 3 days a week, which would be quite nice. Kinda the best of both worlds.

Since I'm working so much, I needed new work clothes. I went on a total spree. I bought new pants, a ton of tops and even new skirts. Almost all of it from Banana Repulic. And it all looks quite nice, if I do say so myself! I also bought new pumps. I look and feel like a million bucks! Normally I would put off buying new clothes, thinking I will do it when I've lost weight. But I'm living in the moment.

Of course, with all this stress I slipped into my old coping mechanisms. Every time I felt panic set in.... I ate that feeling away. Sheesh. The good news is that I've kept up with my running. Yay me.

I've also decided that, now that we have extra $$ coming in, I'm getting a personal trainer again. I start a week today. I'm quite excited about the girl I managed to get - I think she will suit me perfectly.

It was also my birthday this week. I turned 44. It was a nice birthday. We went for a lovely birthday dinner to Caesar's and it was SO good. I also got the absolute best birthday gift ever. I cried when I opened my card. Two two-day passes to the Sci-Fi convention coming to Calgary to the Round Up center in April where I will be getting my photo taken with Leonard Nimoy!!!! This is a childhood dream come true. I can hardly stand waiting.

Well, this is a huge post. If anyone is still reading - have a healthy day!!